She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
