I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
