Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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