life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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