I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
