M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
