I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
