On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
