i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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