Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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