I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
