Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
