You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
