So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
