I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
