How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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