i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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