I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
