I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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