ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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