Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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