she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
