So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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