My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
