how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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