oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
