OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
