end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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