i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just google imaged poop.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
