she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
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