Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
