There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just threw up on my dentist
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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