Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
