yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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