Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
