my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
