I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
