i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
