I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize