Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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