I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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