I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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