im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize