I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
