im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
