It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
