I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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