This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
