have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize