Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize