I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
