I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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