i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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