Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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