If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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