Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize