He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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