I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
