I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
