im drinking this country out of the recession.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize